Sale breaks down intimidating topics so our brains don’t jam

I was fortunate to stumble across this ARC that happens to be right up my alley. I’ve listened to Anna Sale’s Death, Sex, and Money podcast a bit, but never felt hooked. After her book, I’m eager to give it another chance.

Let’s Talk About Hard Things covers the biggest topics we don’t like to talk about: Death, Money, Family, Sex, and Identity. Anna Sale breaks down her book by these topics, taking a closer look at each one and some of the pitfalls and good techniques when it comes to talking about them. Among the big takeaways for me is why having these conversations is important, even when it feels like they go nowhere. Also, how individualism has diminished our sense of community, where we used to go for guidance and ritual. Perhaps it is because we are breaking from tradition that makes these conversations more important than ever.

Sale offers a diverse view of each topic and the many challenges surrounding them. Included are some helpful perspectives about how to broach these topics with loved ones. Because, after all, they are incredibly important topics to talk about.

As someone who likes to write about difficult things, I was impressed with Sale’s level of understanding and clarity on all of these issues, which are easy to get bogged down in the sheer depth and variety at which these topics come.

The disappearing community

Sale makes a point that death is harder than ever to navigate with the deterioration of community. Fewer people than ever say they belong to a church and more cultures in the world are moving toward individualism. In some ways, this break from tradition can be good. Tradition can have harmful ideas like homophobia or misogyny. But when it comes to death, individualism puts the entire responsibility of dealing with a death on the next of kin.

Where we used to have rituals, ceremonies, community gatherings to help those who have suffered a loss, there is a gaping question mark for most people. How do they take care of their loved one’s body? What do they do with their things? How do they manage the will? Should they have a funeral? Or are there other options?

All these questions are overwhelming for someone who has just suffered loss. Community used to take some of that burden.

Though Sale made this point specifically in her section about death, I find it applicable to many of these topics. Family is another that weaves into this idea easily. Family had its place in community tradition also created rhythm in our lives, a place to turn to when we felt alone. Religion provides some guidance when it comes to sex, when and with who it is acceptable. It wasn’t an individual choice.

Again, breaking from tradition is often best for most people. But it comes with the burden of navigating these waters alone. In many ways tradition substituted for these difficult conversations, and provided a bridge so that many of us didn’t have to have them.

Why we need to have hard conversations

Communication is the core of understanding. It’s how we learn to navigate our lives and respect the boundaries of others. When we skirt around these topics, we miss important lessons.

Though Sale admits that some conversations lead nowhere, and that sometimes you have to choose between the importance of a topic versus the strain on the relationship, communication opens our eyes by degrees. The more we see others talk about it, the more likely we will too. And we will learn from these conversations as they build on one another. We gain social and individual understanding.

This leads back to the idea of community, for me, because it’s a way for the community to support one another, by discussing these topics the individual would otherwise be closed off to flounder with alone.

A good manual for everyone

This read is great for any human who lives with or around other humans. Yes, that’s anyone reading this, by the way. I learned lessons about death and the importance of planning ahead. I was impressed by the conversation about money, and how its value and our perceived value are greatly intertwined. There are so many great takeaways that have helped me make sense of these topics in a manageable way.

Let’s Talk About Hard Things publishes May 4 with Simon and Schuster.